Lost in disconnected thoughts and staring at the hardwood floor. I'm not seeing the boards or the lines between them. My eyes do not follow the dark waves of grainy texture. My focus is locked on the same place. My eyes are lazy, glaring but seeing nothing. I haven't blinked. A trance that would be easily broken by a telephone ring or the buzz noting the end of the dryer cycle. This hypnotic position would be terrifying if I wasn't alone. Vunerable. But I am alone. Completely alone in this moment. My mind is racing but my breath is a steady, barely audible rhythm. My scattered thoughts, a web of searches, no conclusions and no connections either. No solutions that matter. Just an empty stare without action. Life as ordinary as adding coffee to a grocery list and as complex as my son's next doctor's visit. My brain darting from the benign revelation that we're having spaghetti for dinner and the cancerous worry of the next bill that's due. Through all of this, my mind's eye sees a sepia tone picture of myself around 6 months old. That blurry, familiar Gerber face looks back at me as if to say, "is this the best we can do?" I squint for just a moment to see her better, but then she's gone. The shadows and light have swept me away.
Seeds to Share:
1 Corinithians 2:11 - For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the spirit of the man which is in him? Even so the thoughts of God no one knows except the Spirit of God.