What it all boils down to is the basic human desire to feel needed and I'm no longer needed for this one task. I started the process of leaving six months ago in my mind mostly, planning, taking my sweater that forever hung on the back of my chair, removing a picture of the kids, grabbing snacks from the bottom drawer in my desk. Small things of mine making the trip to the car unnoticed because he showed no signs of appreciation. A huge part of me wanted him to *need* me back. But why would he? I moved on, so he moved on. My sense of loyalty (schmoyalty) and time invested in this alliance hoped he would "fight for me." My mind leaned against the wall of the abandoned relationship and calculated what leaving will cost both of us. It's a waste of time. It's over.
I sat in my car and said a prayer. I asked God to give me wisdom and clarity and I have received neither as of the date of this writing. But, I DO have a sign in my house that says "I GOT THIS - God" because the giver thought I needed a super obvious way to send a clear message and get through to my brain that will not shut up. I'm like God's worst micro-manager. How annoying for Him to have me second guess EVERY DAMN THING that goes on in my life? The sign says I GOT THIS and I'm over here scrunching up my shoulders and eking out a whiney, "Are you sure?"
I've come to the conclusion that I am a bucket divided into three flavors of popcorn. Sporadic and yet very predictable. Erupting and popping under pressure, but neatly packaged in a spiffy human container.
Carmel (Sticky) - I've tried, but meditation isn't easy for me. I think about whether or not I'm doing it right. Which obviously I'm not because I'm focused on all the wrong things which is THE epic summary of my entire life. Focusing on the wrong things. Am I'm sitting straight? Should I put a load of laundry in first before I meditate? Did I set out the chicken to thaw? I've got to write that thank you note. How is my breathing? Is it in through the nose and out through mouth or in and out through the nose? Crap, I forgot to send that email. I'm sitting, but I'm not comfortable. If I shift a little then I can be more comfortable. Am I supposed to be comfortable or is this a test of endurance? My neck feels stiff. Should I roll my neck then get back into position? Is this the best room for meditation? Is the light right? The light shouldn't make a difference if I have my eyes closed. This carpet stinks. I will rent a steam cleaner. Should I put on mediation music? Would that be on iTunes? And on and on. That's my life. I'm a slow computer with about 256 tabs open at the same time.
Cheddar (Cheesy) - Never let them see you sweat: I've tried this approach too but everyone sees me and I sweat a lot. Figuratively. Not really. I'm good. Lady Speed Stick has my perspiration issues under control, but you CAN see right through me. I'm like a department store plate glass window at Christmas time. I'm an animated, predictable pattern of moving figurines. You see everything. Nothing mysterious or intriguing because no matter what's going on in my life, all of my moving parts can be identified. My mom used to say, "If you're going to throw a fit, can you go in the other room so I don't have to see it?"
Butter - (Movie Classic) I consider myself a thinker, a ponderer, an empath and I *am* those things when crap happens to other people. When something goes wrong in my life, I jump into action and start my plan of attack complete with notes, red push pins and a pull down map of the world. I'm Napoleon with ulcers. I'm Gladiator and Braveheart with swords. I'm Joan of Arc with a great horse. And then, I panic. I can't do this. I'm in a Western and I start circling the wagons. I'm in a war and I start selling the silver. I'm hiding in the dark because I'm afraid.
See? Behavior appearing random, but predictable because I'm repeating a pattern.
Me - "Trying" * Me - "Freezing" *Me - "Hiding" * Me - "Praying"
God's Got This.
Maybe if I prayed first, I wouldn't need the popcorn.
Seeds to Share:
Deuteronomy 31:6 - Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave nor forsake you.