It's 6:30 on an average Tuesday morning and I'm leaving for work. It's a little earlier than I need to leave but I wanted to clear my head and try to hear God. If you've read anything I've written, then you know I do some of my best communicating with God while I'm driving. And by communicating, I mean that I talk and I pray He listens.
I begin "explaining" (whining) about how I've prayed the same prayers and not yet received their answer. I tell Him about how I've "tried" (not hard enough) to be patient and wait on His perfect timing. I plead that I want to be a good ---fill in the blank---- (wife, mother, sister, daughter, employee) but I feel useless in almost every task I'm given. The problems I face are sometimes overwhelming but admit their not as bad as other people's problems so forget I asked. Honestly, I think I give God prayer whiplash. I have this image of His glorious face melting into His propped up hand resting on His robe draped elbow.
My driving car prayer, ran through the same mid-level obstacle course that I could run in the dark, blindfolded. I know every step to know that I'm not even challenging my spirituality. I'm climbing the same walls, elbowing my way underneath the wires, and hammering my legs like pistons to make it through the tires. I convince myself that I'm a Christian Athlete but when the course is the same, absolutely no strength comes from the conditioning.
And then I got real.
I quit running through the words and the emotions and the prayers like an order of events.
I spoke honestly like I would speak to my most trusted friend.
I said I was sorry. Sorry for feeling bad about myself and sorry that I haven't tried hard enough to be kind when I am covered in resentment. Talk about endurance - that race I keep running because I haven't passed that test. I said I was sorry for saying sorry so much. I admitted that all of my inadequacies were labels I gave myself and they weren't His marks beside my name.
Frustrated, I showed Him that I wanted to try harder and be everything He's called me to be but I felt lost and I need Him to show me what to do and where to go. I begged for light on my path. I confessed that I felt alone even though my spirituality told me I wasn't and my family solidified the obviousness of how NOT alone I was. I revealed to Him that I felt solo anyway. I whispered with shame that I felt alone in this world.
I acknowledged my *feelings* had overtaken the drawbridge and charged into the inner sanctum of my peace and fulfillment. I said that Jesus wasn't there to protect my feelings but admitted that I hadn't asked Him to do so. I handled life on my own and now here I was lost and thrashing about for help. I'm was flailing in the moat when I wanted to be in the rock castle so badly. That safe place where I know that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be in my life and that my all of my confidence stands firmly in His love for me. I'm a wife, a mother of two, a daughter, a sister, a friend and an employee. I believe that these labels defined me and somehow justified my existence. Those relationship affiliations are the *why* I'm here. So how could I be alone? How could I feel isolated when there were so many people in my circle who *need* me?
But I felt alone even though there were a thousand reasons I wasn't.
And I didn't know where to go because I couldn't see any light on my path.
And how could I help others when I couldn't help myself?
And I prayed for Him to hear me.
And for something... *anything* in my life to make sense.
And for my purpose - my true calling - to be revealed.
And then I saw this.
Alone in my car with Jesus and He showed me...
On a fence.
Overlooking a field.
Blanketed in fog with no visibility.
But the bird waits.
Because the fog will lift
The sun will light it's path
And the bird will see exactly what it's been waiting for.