Who's criticizing me?

It's no use making me feel any worse than I already do.  You don't have to try.  In fact, I bet you aren't trying.  I bet you're not giving me or the issue (whatever it is) another thought, which is worse, of course.  Not caring one way or the other about how a person or event turns out means you've reached indifference.  Waaaay more dangerous than getting on someone's nerves.  When you're indifferent, you've written it off.  You no longer think about them or the situation.



Is that worse than indifference?

Here's what I know.  I am harder on myself than any other human on this planet could be so why I do I fear the results of what other people think or believe?

She could've done *better*, handled *it* more efficiently, dealt with *that issue* more carefully or etc, etc etc,

...allow me to let you in on a guarded secret from *my* people...

We're nuts.  All of us.

I know I don't accomplish everything on my to-do list.  I see most events as a personal failure and that I have disappointed someone (whether I did or not) in some way.  It could be anything from not finishing a project at work or that I didn't stop long enough to hold the door for someone behind me.  It makes no difference in my brain spaghetti if the project was not meant to be completed within the first 24 hours of the assignment.  Completely irrelevant, if the person I should've held the door for was still getting out of their car, six rows deep in the parking lot.  BELIEVE ME.  I. WILL. CONSIDER. IT.

On most days, when I didn't have patience I should have, or I didn't take on some responsibility that I should have because I take on other people's responsibilities but I'm sure I've missed something, somewhere.  In this world, maybe even on my street, there's a light turned on in an empty room.  Dear, Lord: what do you want me to learn from this constant test of turning off the lights in my house?

I digress.

Maybe I need to release some responsibility and that I should pass it on to someone else... like my children.  Maybe I should be giving them the opportunity to learn and grow as productive members of society and because I'm still holding on to the responsibility or task then I'm ultimately holding them back from their own greatness.  How horribly I judge myself - Here I am, clearly unfit to be a mother, because my twelve year old doesn't do her own laundry and my 14 year old hasn't made his bed all summer.

Oh and guess what?  I can't button the same pants I was able to button a year ago.  Which reminds me, I haven't met my FitBit goal of 10,000 steps a day.  And that reminds me that I should eat less - which reminds me that my family's meal preparation should be healthier and then that reminds me that the grocery shopping bill should cost less money, which begs me to cut more coupons.  Then I can't help but think that coupons come from newspapers which shames me into believing I should read more paper and less social media and then I question how much I actually understand current events. '

Note to self:  Less food videos, more news.

I am a horrible human being.

Believe me - I've already shamed myself so you don't need to add anything to it.

But that's when I discover - you haven't.

Disapproving words haven't come out of your mouth.  The thought that I should've posted to the blog a week ago didn't come from you - It came from me.  Every. single. day.  I tell myself that I'm tired, burnt out, busy, and covered up with work and personal issues and I just don't have time...

And if you're anything like me  - then you know what's coming - If you love something enough, you'll make time for it.  Oh My Stars the guilt.  She is a relentless, wicked woman.  Condescending witch.  She stretches out like she's on a chaise lounge in my head.  She's propped on one elbow and her legs are crossed at the ankles.  In my mind, she's wearing a silk nightgown and smoking a cigarette from one of those long wands.  Her voice (my voice) becomes deep and sultry like Joan Crawford complete with an annoyed curled lip and eyebrows highlighting her disdain, "Really now darling.  Surely, you're not suggesting you have any gift at all?  Will you ever be anything more than you are right now?"

Except - I'm not the same person I was yesterday, or the day before.... 

All that judgement, and shaming and disappointment is wrapped up in a neat little package called "beating yourself up."

Please, for all the love, Joan Crawford voice - get out of my head. 

I try not to be mean to other people, yet you're telling me to be mean to myself.

I would make a great best friend, if I allowed myself to be one....to me.